When you define actions which describe Dominance, and also confidence, most (if not all) overlap. Strong, decisive, control, trustworthy, calm, skilled, assertive, knowledgeable, and many other adjectives can be added. Being confident within your Dominant skin, is easier said than done when you are starting out. Especially with an anxious submissive standing at the ready before you, excited with all of the expectations of the worlds they’ve dreamed of.
The unfortunate truth is that if you aren’t feeling confident, there are many signs that will tell on you. When or if that happens, the submissive will instantly loose some trust and faith that you will be able to handle every situation that comes up. This isn’t something that they may even be able to put words to.
Today will be a discussion on what these signs are and how to avoid them – both in the long run, and immediately along your Dominant journey.
Signs You are Not Confident Yet
With most of these ‘signs’, there is a time and place to get these needs met without it impacting how a submissive may view you. You won’t lose any Dominant points if you toss ideas off of a more experienced Dominant pre-scene, for example. In fact, if you are new and a submissive knows you’ve done this, they may see you as more competent, hence confident and furthermore, Dominant.
- Needing validation from opinions of others
- Justifying your choices and actions
- ‘Checking in’ far too often
- Trying to avoid judgement/making excuses
- Becoming defensive and stubborn
- Physical mistakes: Making oneself seem smaller, slouching, crossing arms, fidgeting, talking excessively, etc.
- Lacking competence with skills needed to satisfy plan
- Rushing (through the session, to a specific self-reward, ie., blow jobs or sex)
Faking Confidence in a Scene:
Have the submissive do more awkward tasks. Things like applying cuffs, managing their own hair, unravelling knots in rope, applying a blindfold, etc. This helps you to complete more specific aspects of set-up, and saves face.
- Blindfolds allow you the freedom of no one judging every move you make. If you are working with a mentor, using earplugs or sound cancelling headphones, are a fantastic tool which allows the submissive the mindset of submitting and anticipation while you can talk freely, and even joke around and stay relaxed without expectations from at least one person.
- Focus the Submissive’s Attention – If the submissive’s mind is focused on a task, or a sense, or really anything, then they are less able to focus on what the Dominant is doing. Putting a crop in their mouth, having them tell a story, or standing in a container of rice or pasta, are all great examples of keeping a submissive’s mind busy during a scene. There are countless others, limited only by creativity.
- Advance Planning – Set up the equipment you will be using in advance. When I put effort into planning a scene at a party, I’ll wrap everything I need in a towel or throw and put it in my toybag. If there are surprises, put the blindfold on top of the towel in your toybag. This saves me from going on a hunt in front of everyone for what I want. A soft throw is great for aftercare. This will also separate clean equipment from things which need to be further cleaned once the scene is over.
- Slow Down – This goes for percussion style play (flogging, etc), rate of speech, movement, but also sex.
- Sexual Contact – The tendency for a lot of (specifically male) dominants is to work towards sexual activity from the very first meeting. This makes that dominant seem uncreative, desperate, and easy to manipulate. If it happens in every scene, it also makes you predictable. None of those things are good looks on a Dominant. Sometimes control means having a good handle on yourself and your needs. Make the submissive beg, make them want you. There is control in that.
- Simplify your scenes – Don’t try to do everything in one scene. There’s plenty of time for more. My suggestion is always to have a main plan, and a back up plan in case. If your intention is to do a flogging scene, but find the submissive is not enjoying it, you don’t want to be left wondering what to do.
As you can see, it is easy to appear confident while you work on your skills and actually become confident as a Dominant. It is however essential to not mistake appearing confident with actual competence. The work will eventually be necessary – the emotional balancing act, the knowledge, the practice and the integration.