I found a submissive – Now what? Figuring out what you want

Social media pick-up culture makes it easy to find people.  Even play once or twice with said person.  This means you can get away with having a couple of neat tricks up your sleeve to rely on when the time is right.  Where a lot of Dominant types freeze is when they utilize their couple of tricks, yet the play relationship continues.  “Now what?  Am I a ‘good Dominant’ if I can’t think of what else to do?”  This can be more intimidating when the submissive is tied up in front of you while struggling for ideas.

In this post, firstly, I will assure you that you are a good Dominant even if the above happened to you.  Secondly, I’ll give you a few tools to feel like the bad ass Dominant you know you are – be it your first scene, or your 300th.

Dominance is a skill.  A skill needs to be nurtured.  The issue is that not a great deal of attention is spent on developing this skill.  There are instructions all over the place on how to use a flogger, or tie a karada, or pour wax on someone. Lessons in BDSM specific tools are needed, of course.  But more than that, there needs to be care and attention into developing Dominants creativity and power.

In many BDSM communities, you’ll notice that Dominants keep their lips pretty tightly sealed around others like themselves.  Ultimately, they want to keep their secrets to themselves, to seemingly minimize the competition.  There was, at least for a while, a belief that you were born a Dominant and if you had to ask what to do, you clearly missed out on that gene.  Of course, we both know that isn’t true.

It actually takes a while to learn the skills of being Dominant.  Let me give you 4 skills now that should help that deer in headlights feeling of not knowing what to do next.

What do you want? 

Similar to goal setting, it often has us looking way off in the future to one’s ideal life and then working backwards in a step by step process to set shorter term goals.

Let’s look at two different Dominants goals.

  1. To experience play with multiple people and gain mastery with this specific fetish which I adore.
  2. To find a submissive which is 100% committed to serving me in every and any way imaginable.

Let me point out that neither is right or wrong.  They are just extremely different.

Next, you’re going to want to flesh these goals out.  Some questions to ask to get started with:

  1. How does my ideal day look?  What stands out?
  2. What am I doing that makes me seem powerful in this imagery?
  3. How is the submissive encouraging my Dominance?
  4. Which BDSM activities are we doing?

That’s actually a lot of information to go with.  You get a major BDSM-focused skill set to work on (if you haven’t yet).  Your Dominant voice makes an appearance.  Ideal submissive behaviours clarify, allowing you to immediately train into any submissive(s) you play with.  For example, that if you have an image of a kneeling submissive, this is actually an unbelievably difficult task.  Starting out, a submissive may only be able to kneel for a couple of minutes at a time.  Training a submissive to do this more often, for longer, and in varying states of mental concentration and strain, can be a major focus of a good number of different scenes.

What does a Submissive Want? 

While negotiating, this can be a very simple question or a seemingly annoying one.  Annoying because there are a lot of people whom who will get what appears like a non-answer; something like “Whatever you like, SirKindMaster”.  What this actually means is “I want to be submissive, and I don’t believe it’s up to me to tell you what to do with me.  If I tell you something, and you do it, it just won’t be the same for me.”

A slightly more productive question is getting to the fantasies they have.  Bringing this up while flirting, or talking dirty is a great way to get to a real answer.  Even while they are begging for release.  Any creative way of getting to the same answer will still allow the submissive to believe they didn’t tell you to do these things, while still getting to the bottom of what it is they want.

And some people know exactly what they want, and are able and wanting to tell anyone who will listen.  To know what they want, listen closely.

Just because they tell you what turns them on, or what they are wanting, doesn’t mean that you should do these, step-by-step, as you are told.  Think of what stood out for the submissive in how they told their interests, and incorporate those at intense points of the scene.  But be sure to throw in at least a couple surprises so that it doesn’t feel like you followed their idea too closely and gave them exactly what they requested.  It also adds surprise which is another way of saying, “I’m going to do what I want here, I am in control”.  Surprise is not code for not negotiated or discussed previously – simply something they didn’t mention in that particular fantasy or scene interest.

Using Rituals and Protocols 

Rituals represent a set of behaviours which are done the same way every time the interaction begins (be it entire meetings, or play sessions).  Protocols are behavioural expectations which are usually highly defined in hows and whens.

Rituals push the every day, ‘normal’ parts of the day aside and help set the tone for Dominance and submission.  If previously a vanilla couple who are experimenting with D/s, it can separate the previous normalized behaviours with new role related ones.  Rituals can assist with training as well, which I’ll discuss in more in the next section.

Protocols are a framework for creating the Dominant’s ideal in a submissive.  A Dominant generally decides on this framework independently, however, it is something that can be negotiated.  It details the submissive’s actions.  Training these behaviours can be scenes – both in the beginning (if a set of them are causing difficulty), and later on if the submissive slips frequently with something.

Training Scenes

Behaviour Modification is a huge subject that surely there will be more to say at a later date.  To keep this simple, direct a scene by increasing desired behaviours and decreasing unwanted behaviours.  When starting training, it will be enough to advise of the desired action.  For example, laying out one part of protocols whereby you tell the submissive when and where to use honorifics (Sir, Mistress, etc).  When you’ve made that clear, focus the scene around it.  Disrupt normal thought patterns so you can start to build habits that match your protocol desires.  You’d do this with a simple yank of a chain, or a conversation involving OTK spanking, or unlimited other options.

Putting all Four Together

Let’s pick an example where the submissive tells me that they have always loved someone yanking their hair.  This makes them feel very submissive.  They are also curious about shibari.  As a Domme, I like seeing fear on a submissive’s face the first time I show them unusual tools.  An example, the wartenburg wheel.  Of course this tool is fairly tame, however, a new submissive likely wouldn’t know that.  I have a strong interest in protocols.  I prefer to be called Ma’am and there are very specific times to use it; At the end of a sentence, at the end of a question, in place of a name, and to acknowledge requests.  I want to install the usage of Ma’am in these situations.

Alternating between asking questions, and giving demands, pulling the submissive’s hair back if they got it wrong.  Holding their head back while I continued on further in the conversation, I would pull out the wheel and taunt them with it.  Asking them how they thought it would feel, pulling their clothes out of the way, and toying that I would touch them with it in more sensitive areas.  I would use the wheel, if this was something which was negotiated.  I would also ensure their head was pulled back, because I already know that arouses this particular submissive.

Once they are able to work through the distraction and the habit appears to be instinct, the scene would then move on to some basic rope bondage to test their skills.  Add to this, a fair amount of hair grabbing, smoothing, and arranging.  This will give the feeling to the submissive that they made me happy, and that I will put the time into making them feel good in exchange for their good behaviour.


There are unlimited options regarding how to play with a submissive. The only thing that is important is that you give a little of what they want while still making the scene from you, to serve you.  That is ultimately what will draw in submissives, as opposed to simply giving them everything they want.

If you have any questions, or opinions please comment below.  I’ll be sure to answer them either directly in the comments or through future blog posts.

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