When you are first starting to develop your Dominant skills, ‘faking it’ is a neat parlour trick. If reliance and confidence is built solely around that, your skill will become transparent and no one will believe you are for real. That trust is the difference in someone to play with once or twice, and someone you are excited to have a more long term experience with. It’s important to appear confident if you want someone to put their safety in your hands.
Nurturing the Confident Dominant in You
Dominance is not a genetic gift. Instead it is nurtured into us, and the single most effective way of creating that in oneself isn’t from buying the most expensive equipment or having the most toys. It is simply from developing a sense of confidence in oneself and in ones play partner. For some it takes longer than others to feel confident, however, everyone is capable. Beware those who try to convince you otherwise.
A lot of people think ‘fake it till you make it’ is great advice where confidence is concerned. My take on that is that it isn’t the best idea here. Most inexperienced people to the BDSM lifestyle have preconceived notions about dominance based on television, porn, or even pro-dommes who are involved with their own amount of faking with often varied experience. Instead of making that mistake, lets build confidence right the first time around.
Ways of building confidence
- Body Language – hold your head up, and pull shoulders back slightly. Maintain eye contact while talking to people, and practice a solid handshake. Take up as much space as you need to feel comfortable and then learn to take a little bit more when you feel necessary. You may need it for a vulnerable submissive. Some examples are widening your stance, keeping your arms looser by your sides, stretching your legs in front of you when sitting.
- Look and Feel Good – This goes for the obvious eating well, getting sleep, and exercise. On top of this, find clothing or style choices that make you feel more in control. Even something as simple as a different shade of lipstick and a tight bun, or a special tie can go a long way. BDSM toys and fetish-wear can be very expensive and for the most part it’s unnecessary to be, or feel, in control.
- Positive Self Speak – Negative thinking runs deep into our thoughts, and will replay causing anxiety and stress and developing itself into a cycle of negativity and fear. Recognize the negative self talk. Once you do, most often, it’s simple thoughts and fears. Reverse the self talk by dispelling internal myths and turning it positive. I feel as though this is what most of self-growth sites are about, so that’s as much as I’ll say for now about positive self-speak. If you have more questions, or would like a post completely about that, let me know.
- Know Your Worth – You are worthy of respect and worship. You are just as worthy as anyone else, including those with 20 years experience. Own this.
- Self Directed Growth – Do at least one thing to support your Dominant self each day. Be it engaging in a ritual, play, or learning something new, or even coaching.
- Challenge yourself – Step out of your typical skill set. This will up the variability of play, but also it will show you that you are capable of more. Even if you fail with a few things, ultimately, you will succeed more often then not – and henceforth increasing your confidence in scene.
- Support System – Spend time with people who are positive, skilled, confident, and believe in you. Finding a mentor in person is a great way to do this. That said, understand that your learning doesn’t start and stop with that single person. Other sources are fellow Dominants, or even multiple submissives’ that can provide feedback and encouragement.
- Organization – Ensure your toys and equipment are cleaned well, and organized. This prevents damage to expensive gear, but also makes displaying it that much easier. (There will be further posts on how exactly to do this.)
- Take Inventory – Make a list of your personal strengths and weaknesses. You can even use submissive feedback here to help complete this list. Sure, work on the weaknesses over time, but ultimately, develop scenes that highlight your strengths. This will make you feel very confident in scene, creating an upward spiral of competence.
Of course, the above tips can take time and a bit of work. You may be wondering what you can do to make it seem like you are more confident, than you actually are. Remember that these tips are short term solutions to the problem. Let me know which tips made a difference to you in the comments below. Also comment below to let me know if there is one not on this list that you found made all the difference. Note that if you are having a particularly hard time building your confidence, contact me for more individualized assistance.
If you’d like some tips on how to fake Dominance in the meantime, please read: http://upkink.com/confident-dominant-least-fake-like-pro-part-1/